Struggling

The last week I have found myself struggling…questioning who I am as a person and who I was as a wife. Was I really not good enough for you? That’s how I feel – like I wasn’t worth fighting for. Like I wasn’t worth defending. Just because I didn’t get along with certain people in your family doesn’t mean I didn’t love them. I guess the difference was I was willing to let it go and move on but they weren’t. They can’t. I never understood the reasoning behind holding a grudge – it’s not like it helps you any. It’s like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

You never would really tell me why you left, you just kept saying things were never going to change and it didn’t matter. How does one move on without closure as to what they did or didn’t do? How am I supposed to work on the parts of myself that need bettering for my next relationship?

You said we would always be friends but I think our idea of friendship differs greatly. It’s all on your terms and I’m tired of trying to figure out what you want from me. You ask me all these questions about how I will handle dating and seeing you with someone else – how do you think I have the answers for them when we aren’t even divorced yet? I can’t even think about dating right now – and as far as seeing you with someone else, well, I’m pretty sure that’s going to not feel so great but I’ll deal with it, just like I’ve dealt with everything else.

You said to me not too long ago that we’re in different places emotionally in regards to this relationship and to be honest, I think we always have been. You’ve never been 100% committed – even from the very beginning. I don’t think you know what it is to truly love someone and only them. Your eyes always wandered and I thought it was just you being a guy but I think you’re constantly searching for something better..searching for a happiness you will never find and you know why? Because you don’t love yourself. In order to truly love someone else you have to love yourself first or you will continually project all of your shit on to that other person. That other person is not responsible for making you happy. YOU are responsible for making you happy. I’m not sure you understand that.

When we separated the first time 2 years ago I did a lot of work on myself because I was co-dependent. I thought we needed to be together all the time because if we weren’t then we would fall out of love. I depended on you to make me happy. The sun rose and set on you. And you still left.

Then we got back together and it was great for about 6 months and then you checked out. And I tried and I tried and I tried to get you to check back in. We had talked about this! We had a plan in place for if one of us ever felt like we did before and it didn’t matter. All the talking and planning doesn’t matter if one person depends on the other to make them happy. This time it wasn’t me, it was you. And you left again.

In a recent conversation you said you’ve been thinking about the whole monogamy thing and how you just might date different women and honestly I think that is what you need – you don’t want to answer to anyone about your feelings and you certainly don’t want to have to defend the feelings of someone else to your family. It’s easy for you. It’s always been about what’s easiest for you.

So while you’re out there keeping it easy for yourself I will continue to work on myself and work my way out of this struggle I find myself in currently…and I will find a man who treats me the way I deserve to be treated – a man whom I trust and is deserving of my trust. A man who isn’t afraid of a little conflict and who isn’t afraid to defend me and my feelings.

I know this post sounds a little angry but rest assured I am not angry – I’m hurt and a little embarrassed to be honest. But I’m working on it …. 🙂

Hampster Wheel

At some point I will get the courage to jump off.

However, as of today, I still don’t have it.  I was supposed to go see my husbands apartment last night, to chill and hang out – to keep trying at this friends thing. He said he was going to go apply for some second jobs and that he would text me when he was home. I had texted a few times, asking how it was going as it was nearing 8 pm. No reply. I tried calling. No answer. At 10 pm I went to bed and sent a text that basically said “a text to let me know you changed your mind would have been nice, I would have understood”.  Still no reply this morning so I finally texted him again and asked if everything was ok to which he replied “yes, I was out all night applying for second jobs, sorry I didn’t text you. Have a good day.”  Seriously?!? WTF? I sat there for like 10 minutes trying to figure out how to reply to that. Have a good day?? His not replying to texts was something we had discussed – to me it’s a hard limit so to speak. It takes 2 seconds to reply and to not reply at all, all night long is disrespectful and made me worry needlessly. We may be separated and getting divorced but I still care and I still worry.

Why do guys feel the need to flex their “I’m going to be a dick for a bit” muscle?

I guess I wouldn’t be so confused if we didn’t have a really good conversation the night before about me coming over to his new place. Although, he tends to withdraw when he’s stressed and if he’s out looking for a second job that means things are tight. Not really my problem but it does affect me – especially when he acts one way one day and another way the next.

And men say women are hard to understand.

So, I guess I’m going to give him some space…I need space too because I need to figure out how to move on and not care so much…wish me luck.