Some days I really hate the 5 stages of grief. I mean, we go through them for a reason and they’re necessary but some days I wish I was just DONE. Divorce is second to the grief you feel when a close family member dies and today is one of those days when I am vacillating between depression and anger.
I have never really been a person who gets depressed per se, I feel times of great sadness but they pass. Lately this cloud has been following me and its affecting me in ways I didn’t even think would ever apply to me. I used to love doing the dishes by hand – I love having my hands in water as it relaxes me ( I think it’s because I’m a Pisces – water always calms my soul) but now I look at the dishes in the sink and think ” Nope, they can sit there”. I have always been a “cleaner” when I’m upset and honestly, it takes all the energy I have to clean my house. I sit there and look at it and choose to tune out and lose myself in a book instead. I have read close to 20 books since my now ex-husband up and left in March. Now before you say “whoa! 20 books?!” I should explain I speed read books. I learned in elementary school how to speed read and have done it ever since.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, depression. I know it’s only mild depression because I still find joy in the small things in life, in my kids, in my friends but I just wish this stupid cloud would go away already. I think I need to start working out again as I am sure that would help with the endorphins that my brain so badly needs more of. Heck, my whole body needs them. I think the way my marriage ended so abruptly has a large role to play in how I am feeling most days. I have pleaded with my ex for a reason, something to give me some closure – what did I do? Where did I go wrong? Something! Do you know how hard it is to have closure on a failed marriage when you’re told you did nothing wrong?? How does someone just fucking walk away?
Which leads me to anger…oh there you are!
How does someone just walk away? How do you wake up one morning and hug and kiss your wife goodbye, say I love you and when she leaves for work you go back home, pack all your shit and leave her a letter with your wedding ring? WHO DOES THAT?!? There have been so many times where I have wanted to scream that at the top of my lungs while talking to him but I know in my heart of hearts it wouldn’t help or change a damn thing. But man, it would feel so good for a sweet second. And of course he already has a steady girlfriend – started dating her not even 2 months after moving out. Said a friend from work hooked them up – what kind of person does that? Oh hey, I know you left your wife a couple months ago and you’re not even divorced yet but there’s this chick you should meet? My brain can’t even process that shit.
I am not a violent person but I have to admit, a nice left cross to the ex’s face would feel amazing. (I say left because I’m right handed and I don’t want to mess myself up even more LOL)
I think what hurts the most and makes me the angriest is how easily I was replaced. In one short month he met the girlfriend, she met his kids (!), she met his family and he completely erased me. 9 years gone – and he doesn’t even care. He shows no guilt, no sadness, no shame, NOTHING. So why the fuck am I carrying so much around everyday?? Beside the definition of narcissistic sociopath should be his picture. I fed his ego for so long – even after he left he kept wanting me to feed it and I did because I didn’t know any other way. I was so afraid of pissing him off and for what? Why should I care if he’s pissed at me? HE LEFT. AGAIN. He can suck it.
There is this wonderful quote by Maya Angelou that says ” When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Where was that quote 9 years ago??? He showed me who he was the first time he left, and then the second time he left and finally, the third time he left.
And all this time I thought it was me.
I guess in a way it was because I kept hoping our love and our marriage would be enough one day. I kept hoping he would come through on the promises he made me to talk to me when things got rough but he didn’t. He isn’t capable of that much change and I know ( I know, I know, I KNOW that my heart will be better for knowing this now).
Believe them the first time.