I just wanna be done

Some days I really hate the 5 stages of grief. I mean, we go through them for a reason and they’re necessary but some days I wish I was just DONE. Divorce is second to the grief you feel when a close family member dies and today is one of those days when I am vacillating between depression and anger.

I have never really been a person who gets depressed per se, I feel times of great sadness but they pass. Lately this cloud has been following me and its affecting me in ways I didn’t even think would ever apply to me. I used to love doing the dishes by hand – I love having my hands in water as it relaxes me ( I think it’s because I’m a Pisces – water always calms my soul) but now I look at the dishes in the sink and think ” Nope, they can sit there”. I have always been a “cleaner” when I’m upset and honestly, it takes all the energy I have to clean my house. I sit there and look at it and choose to tune out and lose myself in a book instead.  I have read close to 20 books since my now ex-husband up and left in March. Now before you say “whoa! 20 books?!” I should explain I speed read books. I learned in elementary school how to speed read and have done it ever since.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, depression. I know it’s only mild depression because I still find joy in the small things in life, in my kids, in my friends but I just wish this stupid cloud would go away already. I think I need to start working out again as I am sure that would help with the endorphins that my brain so badly needs more of. Heck, my whole body needs them. I think the way my marriage ended so abruptly has a large role to play in how I am feeling most days. I have pleaded with my ex for a reason, something to give me some closure – what did I do? Where did I go wrong? Something! Do you know how hard it is to have closure on a failed marriage when you’re told you did nothing wrong?? How does someone just fucking walk away?

Which leads me to anger…oh there you are!

How does someone just walk away? How do you wake up one morning and hug and kiss your wife goodbye, say I love you and when she leaves for work you go back home, pack all your shit and leave her a letter with your wedding ring? WHO DOES THAT?!? There have been so many times where I have wanted to scream that at the top of my lungs while talking to him but I know in my heart of hearts it wouldn’t help or change a damn thing. But man, it would feel so good for a sweet second. And of course he already has a steady girlfriend – started dating her not even 2 months after moving out. Said a friend from work hooked them up – what kind of person does that? Oh hey, I know you left your wife a couple months ago and you’re not even divorced yet but there’s this chick you should meet? My brain can’t even process that shit.

I am not a violent person but I have to admit, a nice left cross to the ex’s face would feel amazing. (I say left because I’m right handed and I don’t want to mess myself up even more LOL)

I think what hurts the most and makes me the angriest is how easily I was replaced. In one short month he met the girlfriend, she met his kids (!), she met his family and he completely erased me. 9 years gone – and he doesn’t even care. He shows no guilt, no sadness, no shame, NOTHING. So why the fuck am I carrying so much around everyday?? Beside the definition of narcissistic sociopath should be his picture. I fed his ego for so long – even after he left he kept wanting me to feed it and I did because I didn’t know any other way. I was so afraid of pissing him off and for what? Why should I care if he’s pissed at me? HE LEFT. AGAIN. He can suck it.

There is this wonderful quote by Maya Angelou that says ” When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”  Where was that quote 9 years ago???  He showed me who he was the first time he left, and then the second time he left and finally, the third time he left.

And all this time I thought it was me.

I guess in a way it was because I kept hoping our love and our marriage would be enough one day. I kept hoping he would come through on the promises he made me to talk to me when things got rough but he didn’t. He isn’t capable of that much change and I know ( I know, I know, I KNOW that my heart will be better for knowing this now).

Believe them the first time.

Done

We went to court on Monday and in 5 mins our marriage was over – just like that. I could tell he was nervous because he kept mispronouncing words and mumbling like he does when he’s nervous but because he is the one who filed for divorce, he is the one who got the honour of reading the script. The judge swore me in, asked if our marriage was irretrievably broken (yes) and if I wished the court to grant this divorce (yes) and then it was done. I almost cried right there but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.

After we had to take care of some other business and when we were finished with the last thing I gave him some stuff I had found at the house and his birthday present. (yes, I still gave him something for his birthday – it’s just how I am) We talked for a bit and I point blank asked him why he had to lie to me so much and did he know what that does to a person? All he said was I’m sorry. That’s when I broke. I have never known someone with such an aversion to confrontation that it’s just easier to lie. He said he had to go and I got in my car and bawled. He sat there for a few mins and then just drove away.  I collected myself enough to drive and thought “fuck it, I deserve answers” and called him.

What did I do to make you want to stop trying? A: Nothing

Why did you have to lie to me so much? A: Because it was easier

So did you ever love me at all? A: Yes

So you just stopped loving me? A: It was a gradual thing – we just got too content to come home and turn on the tv and not talk. (which is bullshit because I always tried to talk to him about stuff, he would just brush me off and he was on his damn cell phone all the time)

So you just stopped trying? A: I know we both tried or we wouldn’t have gotten back together the last time. I don’t have the answers you want, I haven’t really thought about it. (wow really, you just up and leave and move on without thinking things through?)

Do you lie to your new girlfriend? A: No  (to which I said oh, why, because it’s new? and he snarkily replied Sure.  She just hasn’t given him reason to lie to her or time. The day will come because that’s who he is)

It all hit me so hard that day – I finally understand. He’s a liar who can’t help himself and will do anything he can to avoid confrontation of any sort. I just wish he understood what that does to the person on the receiving end. I have honestly second guessed everything but in the end I know I couldn’t have done anything and it’s his burden to bear. (if he’s capable of that)  Not my circus, not my monkeys. ( I keep telling myself this over and over – it helps on the days when I am feeling down about the whole thing)  I used to think I failed but I now know I didn’t – I gave it my all and I have to find peace in that.

So, with all that being said….There are only 2 days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow. So today is the right day to love, believe, do and most importantly – LIVE!

Stronger

With the court date of my impending divorce literally around the corner I have been listening to the Sara Evans song titled “Stronger”.  It truly says how I feel..well, most days 😉 I have come to the conclusion that while yes, I am sad that our marriage is over I am more sad that it was nothing that I thought it was. You were so good at pretending you had me fooled…for almost 10 years. That’s a tough pill to swallow but I will get over it and move on. New motto is: Better not bitter 😉

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I’m trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I’m getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I’m done hoping that we can work it out,
I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I’m done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn’t happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,
And you realize you haven’t cried.
I’m not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I’m busy getting stronger.

And I’m done hoping that we can work it out,
I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I’m done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby,
I’m better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I’m getting stronger without you baby.

And I’m done hoping that we can work it out,
I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I’m done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay,
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

I’m just a little bit stronger.
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Anxiety

I read through all of my blog posts last night and I was amazed at how I managed to put my emotions into words. Some of them seem angry but mostly I’m just hurt. So many years wasted on lies. I don’t understand how someone can lie in order to avoid telling their true emotions. I’m not sure what hurts more, being lied to or him thinking I didn’t deserve the truth. I can understand not liking confrontation (no one likes it) but you’re going to hurt me more by lying to me than just telling me how you feel. I wanted to believe the best about him – so many chances to come clean, so many times I forgave things I shouldn’t have. By allowing him to continue in this pattern makes me 50% of the problem now. It’s just hard for me to walk away from 10 years – he was my best friend, or so I thought.

Maybe that’s why I am having issues with anxiety now.

I used to look forward to seeing him after we separated and now all I feel is anxiety. I think it’s because I honestly can’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I don’t want to see him but at the same time I do. Does that even make sense?? Probably not. I know I need to just walk away and cut my losses. I know I will be so much happier not wondering what or who he’s doing. I need to focus on myself – because man, he did a number on my heart and my head. It’s going to be awhile before I can honestly trust myself or another man and that’s really sad.  I know I’m not the only one who’s ever been lied to but its a hard thing to wrap your head around. Why was I not deserving of the truth? Did he not know me at all?

Obviously I didn’t know him at all and honestly, that breaks my heart.

Closer

In a month I will be sitting in a courtroom waiting for the judge to announce that our marriage is over. We’ve been here before and I can’t help thinking that we should have just let it go the first time. Why didn’t we? After you left this time you told me you really tried – what does that even mean? You tried what? Did you once try and talk to me about how you were feeling? I stood there crying, expressing how I was feeling, wanting you to talk to me and you didn’t – you got angry and defensive and clammed up. Just like before. Right then I knew it was over but my heart just couldn’t accept it.

Until last week.

We’ve been separated for 3 months and you’re already seeing someone and she’s already met your children. I never realized I was so totally replaceable. It’s like every time you told me you loved me was a lie. I don’t even ask you questions now because I can’t trust what comes out of your mouth – I don’t even know if you know how to tell the truth. And you know what’s so fucked up about this whole thing? I am going to have to spend a lot of time working on myself – again- so that I can learn to trust a man again. When we first started dating I told you that you had my heart, totally and completely and to please not break it and you did. Over and over and over again. It was so easy for you to walk away – or at least it seems. I have apologized to you for my behaviour and never once have you given me the same respect. You said once not too long ago that you’ve gotten your arrogance back – are you treating this new girl the same way you’ve been treating me the last 3 months? Confidence is sexy, arrogance isn’t – and I’m sure she’ll figure you out eventually.

I have. And I am one day closer to being over you.

Struggling

The last week I have found myself struggling…questioning who I am as a person and who I was as a wife. Was I really not good enough for you? That’s how I feel – like I wasn’t worth fighting for. Like I wasn’t worth defending. Just because I didn’t get along with certain people in your family doesn’t mean I didn’t love them. I guess the difference was I was willing to let it go and move on but they weren’t. They can’t. I never understood the reasoning behind holding a grudge – it’s not like it helps you any. It’s like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

You never would really tell me why you left, you just kept saying things were never going to change and it didn’t matter. How does one move on without closure as to what they did or didn’t do? How am I supposed to work on the parts of myself that need bettering for my next relationship?

You said we would always be friends but I think our idea of friendship differs greatly. It’s all on your terms and I’m tired of trying to figure out what you want from me. You ask me all these questions about how I will handle dating and seeing you with someone else – how do you think I have the answers for them when we aren’t even divorced yet? I can’t even think about dating right now – and as far as seeing you with someone else, well, I’m pretty sure that’s going to not feel so great but I’ll deal with it, just like I’ve dealt with everything else.

You said to me not too long ago that we’re in different places emotionally in regards to this relationship and to be honest, I think we always have been. You’ve never been 100% committed – even from the very beginning. I don’t think you know what it is to truly love someone and only them. Your eyes always wandered and I thought it was just you being a guy but I think you’re constantly searching for something better..searching for a happiness you will never find and you know why? Because you don’t love yourself. In order to truly love someone else you have to love yourself first or you will continually project all of your shit on to that other person. That other person is not responsible for making you happy. YOU are responsible for making you happy. I’m not sure you understand that.

When we separated the first time 2 years ago I did a lot of work on myself because I was co-dependent. I thought we needed to be together all the time because if we weren’t then we would fall out of love. I depended on you to make me happy. The sun rose and set on you. And you still left.

Then we got back together and it was great for about 6 months and then you checked out. And I tried and I tried and I tried to get you to check back in. We had talked about this! We had a plan in place for if one of us ever felt like we did before and it didn’t matter. All the talking and planning doesn’t matter if one person depends on the other to make them happy. This time it wasn’t me, it was you. And you left again.

In a recent conversation you said you’ve been thinking about the whole monogamy thing and how you just might date different women and honestly I think that is what you need – you don’t want to answer to anyone about your feelings and you certainly don’t want to have to defend the feelings of someone else to your family. It’s easy for you. It’s always been about what’s easiest for you.

So while you’re out there keeping it easy for yourself I will continue to work on myself and work my way out of this struggle I find myself in currently…and I will find a man who treats me the way I deserve to be treated – a man whom I trust and is deserving of my trust. A man who isn’t afraid of a little conflict and who isn’t afraid to defend me and my feelings.

I know this post sounds a little angry but rest assured I am not angry – I’m hurt and a little embarrassed to be honest. But I’m working on it …. 🙂

Hampster Wheel

At some point I will get the courage to jump off.

However, as of today, I still don’t have it.  I was supposed to go see my husbands apartment last night, to chill and hang out – to keep trying at this friends thing. He said he was going to go apply for some second jobs and that he would text me when he was home. I had texted a few times, asking how it was going as it was nearing 8 pm. No reply. I tried calling. No answer. At 10 pm I went to bed and sent a text that basically said “a text to let me know you changed your mind would have been nice, I would have understood”.  Still no reply this morning so I finally texted him again and asked if everything was ok to which he replied “yes, I was out all night applying for second jobs, sorry I didn’t text you. Have a good day.”  Seriously?!? WTF? I sat there for like 10 minutes trying to figure out how to reply to that. Have a good day?? His not replying to texts was something we had discussed – to me it’s a hard limit so to speak. It takes 2 seconds to reply and to not reply at all, all night long is disrespectful and made me worry needlessly. We may be separated and getting divorced but I still care and I still worry.

Why do guys feel the need to flex their “I’m going to be a dick for a bit” muscle?

I guess I wouldn’t be so confused if we didn’t have a really good conversation the night before about me coming over to his new place. Although, he tends to withdraw when he’s stressed and if he’s out looking for a second job that means things are tight. Not really my problem but it does affect me – especially when he acts one way one day and another way the next.

And men say women are hard to understand.

So, I guess I’m going to give him some space…I need space too because I need to figure out how to move on and not care so much…wish me luck.