It’s been awhile… a lot has happened since I last wrote.
Not even sure where to start really – the last 2 years have been… interesting…. to say the least. I’m not even sure why I am writing again – maybe I’m hoping it will help me work through some issues/feelings that I need to be free from?
The biggest one I am struggling with is this: how to do say good-bye to someone you love? Someone who has come to mean so much to you but deep down you know it’s not right… you aren’t in the same place emotionally or mentally and to keep going down the same road will only make things harder in the end? How do you separate yourself from the person you love? So many times I’ve woken up saying “this is it, I’m done” only to be given just enough to forget those thoughts and stay in the endless loop. Why am I accepting “just enough”? Why does he think it’s OK to give me “just enough”?
Answer: I’m afraid to not have him in my life and I think it’s the same for him. Fear is a tricky bitch and unfortunately, rules how we live our daily lives. Why do I fear the day that he is no longer in my life? I think it’s become more about comfort – for him, knowing he can always come home no matter what and for me, knowing that he’s ok. I’ve become the enabler I’ve fought so hard to NOT become and that makes me incredibly sad. Just writing those words makes me want to cry. I’m not helping him. I’m not helping myself. I need to rid myself of the fear that telling him he needs to move out will be the end of our relationship. Maybe it’s the kick in the ass he needs? And if I’m being completely honest, I’m afraid that he will find someone who makes him want to fix his issues for more than me. Codependency anyone?
I know I deserve to have a relationship with someone who has my back, who supports me emotionally (not just when it’s convenient for him), who doesn’t want to constantly change who I am or what I look like, and who wants to be intimate…because let’s be honest, a relationship without sex is a friendship. I don’t need a roommate – I have 2 kids. Roommates of the opposite sex don’t share a bed. It’s confusing and makes me miss the beginning of our relationship when things were fun and we were intimate and then I think about how he did a 180 and decided we were just friends and I’m back to being sad.
I realize this might be a tad confusing for an outsider to read – it’s confusing as hell in my head… and there’s so much more backstory that I just don’t have the energy to type. It’s been almost 2 years of roller coaster feelings…. and I really just need peace.